I often take pride in living out of the mainstream in many parts of my life. My deafness of 35 years now, suddenly shut off communications to almost everyone around me. So, I became focused on what I COULD do instead of what I couldn’t. Because of my loss of hearing, my other senses became more enhanced. I feel things and see and feel things that I couldn’t before.

Having Aspie traits, which is something I have had all my life, but only recently realized it had a name. That cut me off from so many because I was “weird”, out of place, or many other descriptions. At the same time, I took pride in the fact that I could do things that many others couldn’t. I could stay intensively focused on one thing for hours, and sometimes, days at a time. I saw indiscriminate things that other didn’t see. I could see the big picture when others were struggling in the mud.

It was almost ordained that I would never have someone who really understood me, hell I can’t understand myself sometimes. But then, for some reason I still can’t understand, someone came into my life who was willing to take me for who I was. Or at least who she thought I was. We had many disagreements in our married life, but except for short periods of time, we were always dedicated to each other. I took pride in the fact that I did manage to finally have a deep and true friend who stuck with me for 35 years!

All of these things have been long-term struggles that I prided myself in overcoming, at least at one level or another. BUT…

Being different from most in several areas of life is a hellish struggle that I wouldn’t wish on anyone.

Sometimes I just wish I was part of the crowd like everyone else.

Sometimes, I wish that I could just lie back and listen to all my folk song albums from the 1960s and 70s once again. In fact, that is a regular part of my dreams. I have the lyrics of many of those songs pasted on the whiteboard behind me, and sing them out loud in order to get a fraction of those feelings. It’s strange, but I am seldom deaf in any of my dreams. Maybe those dreams are one way my mind keeps me sane. I am able to visit my pre-adversity days, if only in my dreams. Sometimes, I wish that I could just sit back and relax and enjoy the chit-chat around me, and God forbid, even engage in a little of it.

Adversity builds character, but I often wish I had a little less character.

Of course, I realize that every one of has their own struggles. I am certainly not unique in that regard, but, that doesn’t sometimes keep me from feeling sorry for myself. Sometimes I wish I could just unload from these things, even if only for a day.