(Am I the controller or the controlee?)

I finally realized something that is at a most fundamental level for me.

That something is control.

From a very early age, control became an essential part of my nature. I simply had to maintain control over my life. That need has stayed with me to this very day. When I lose control, meltdowns mostly ensue.

My obsession with lists, to-dos, calendar entries, Excel spreadsheets, and databases seems to drive my life. If something isn’t on any of those lists then it doesn’t get done. I have databases on databases for a myriad of topics. Managing my blogging is certainly one of them.

Being that I was an IT guy much of my corporate career was spent helping others by developing tools to make their jobs easier. I loved that others respected my abilities in helping them keep control of their jobs.

But I have come to think that maybe all of the above might control me more than the other way around. My fixation with control is something I should study.