This is going to be one of those personal posts for me as it delves into my inner being but it needs to come out. I think it is natural that when a person starts to realize his mortality that he tries to summarize his life and the world around him. For some it is about legacy, some just tr I have been doing that a lot the last few months. It is not that I think I will die anytime soon but of course I have much more life behind me than ahead.
I have been searching for that one word to summarize my overall feelings about living in this world and that word seems to be “disappointment”. I know that sounds kind of dark and to some degree it is but it also indicates that I have mostly dreamed of something better, much better for both me and humanity in general.
It is not that I think my life was wasted or I did not have much joy but instead it is about all the lost opportunities that presented themselves that I, or we as a corporate group, failed to grab hold of. For the most part I am happy with the way my life has turned out. Even though I was late to the marriage scene I have enjoyed the 30+ years with my soulmate and wife. They are the same person by the way. 🙂 I had a well paying job and managed to stay with it for the 30 years necessary to get a pretty good lifetime pension. That is a very rare thing in this country today and I do feel fortunate for that.
On a personal level, I wished I had been able to have some kids. They would have helped shape my view of the future. That disappointment was primarily the result of not getting married earlier in life. Looking back that was likely due to my undiagnosed Asperger’s Syndrome hindering my social progress.
I wish I had taken more time and had some form of guidance in my career choice. I was really not tuned to be an engineer so I pretty much became a mediocre one. I now say that I was just born 25 years to early. I found my natural occupation in the development of software (apps to all you younger guys). The logic that is required for that trade was a central part of my being all along and I just didn’t realize it. I am joyful that I did mange to work in that area the last 5 years of my career but that period was really just at the beginning of this current revolution.
I discovered early on my talents toward the written word but failed to do anything with it. There were just no guidance counselors in my very small high school to help me in that regard. I effortlessly got A’s in all my English composition classes in both high school and college and that should have clued me that I was in the wrong field. Engineering is just not about writing. Too many lost personal opportunities is a disappointment to me.
Looking beyond myself I am disappointed that the world is so divided into an us/them mentality and that constant wars and the resulting death seems to be the norm in my lifetime. It is a disappointment that we spend more on our military complex than the rest of the world combined. Our obsession with guns is also an extreme disappointment. If we could have stepped back from this dark trench we could have accomplished so many more things and saved so many lives.
I am disappointed….. with a tinge of regret I guess…