All my life I have been stuck between two worlds. Perhaps the most severe is when I went totally deaf 34 years ago. It was obvious that I was no longer in the hearing world, but by the same token I wasn’t, and never would be, in the Deaf world. The isolation that resulted was frustrating, depressing, and almost tragic.

But that would not be the last time I was stuck between two worlds. Another was the fact that I just couldn’t figure out how so many others seem to flow easily through social interactions that I had much difficulty traversing. I was always an outsider when it came to group associations and the interactions that entail it.

I was almost ashamed of the fact that eye contact was always difficult for me, but I just couldn’t do it beyond a brief glance. How could others stare at each other for minutes at a time? How could others make friends when I struggled to do so, especially after I went deaf? No one seemed to want to be around me? In the last few years, I have come to understand that neurologically I am different from others. Not better or worse, just different.

I am currently making a serious attempt to convince myself that I belong in the hearing/neurotypical world, even though I can’t hear the loudest sounds and have different ways of looking at typical social situations. I am trying to fit in where I can. I just hope that people understand why I do what I do. I am going into the teacher mode to try to make that happen. If I fail, I don’t know what will happen? But, I refuse to wear the mask that others always expect. The mask is off, and it is staying off now. I have lived with it too long to put it back on now.