Until two years ago, I just didn’t think I was capable of feeling things the way “normal” people do. I was sure I would always lead a Spock-like existence. Since I grew up in a single parent family with a father who just didn’t show any emotion, I was convinced that stoicism was a normal condition. I had never heard the word “love” ever directed to me in all those years. That wouldn’t happen until a few years before my father’s death.
Even when I was in the throes of pre-marriage rituals, I wasn’t sure it was love I was feeling, I thought maybe just shock that someone actually cared for me. I just didn’t let myself think that I was capable of such a strong feeling. During my married years, I was never really convinced that love, or any strong feeling, was in me. Then came that 78-day period of my wife’s death.
I had emotional meltdown after meltdown. Sometimes many occurred in the same day! All those feelings opened the spigot so that now I seem to be filled with emotion, that has nowhere to go.
I am certain that I will NEVER have another soulmate in my life. World peace is more likely than that! Even good friends are a remote possibility here in my RetCom (retirement community). Too many here are put off by one of my traits or another for that to happen. I am convinced that I will live the life of the Simon and Garfunkel song “I am a Rock”.
So, here I am today, with so many strong feelings pent-up in me, and no one to direct them to go. So, I usually end up spewing them out here at RJsCorner. But, then again, maybe that is why some of you stick around? I’m sure I’m not the only one to feel this way. Possibly, you have had similar feelings in your life?
A life without any significant level of friendship is just not in my future, and that’s ok. I have for the most part been on my own throughout much of my life, so that is the norm for me now and will likely be in the future I have left. I do appreciated all my on-line friends who visit me here on RJsCorner. Especially those who occasionally leave a comment. You keep me sane and give me enough joy to have a pleasant life. You listen to my rants and frustrations, and give me some valuable advice once in a while. Thank you all for that.
RJ's Corner - Having My Say 
I think I understand your situation. I’m fortunate that I still have the companionship of the wife, and perhaps like you I won’t understand what love truly means while I still have her. As for friends, that’s not something I’ve ever been able to cultivate, or perhaps I’m sufficiently “different” to be off-putting to most people. The wife has friends, and these are, by proxy, my friends too, but it is always the wife who contacts then or who they contact. Essentially I’m their friend’s husband. Otherwise my friend are all on line where we “converse” on blogs and occasionally on Zoom.
Apart from the wife, there’s only been one other person I could call a friend and with whom I could share my hopes and aspirations. I’ll be publishing a blog post about him on July 3, which will be the 37th anniversary of his death.
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Thanks for the story, Barry. We certainly share a lot in life, don’t we.
Don’t make the same mistake that I did. Tell your wife regularly that you love her, even if you don’t really quite understand what that means. Also, tell her you very much appreciate all she does for you.
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Neither of us are particularly good at vocalising what we feel, but we’ve become very adept at expressing our affection for each other by other means – holding hands while we watch a show on TV or while walking in public (in spite of the stares), or me making her a cup of green tea every morning before she gets out of bed. We both seem to prefer tokens of affection to be expressed by deeds rather than by words. Each couple need to find what works best for them :)
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So true, so true
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An Ole & Lena joke about Swedish stoicism:
Ole to Sven, “I love Lena so much I once almost told her so.”
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Leave it to you to put a humorous spin on all this, Daryl. 🙃
Thanks for making me laugh.
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Every once in awhile I will feel somewhat down and adrift. I think of the old song, “is that all there is?”
Then some event or memory or simply noticing the sun hitting the water coming out of the lawn sprinklers will snap me out of that funk. I realize how blessed I am and get on with my day.
Emotions and moods are powerful forces that must have an outlet. Some people paint to express how they feel. Others may throw a pot or vase and put that bottled up feeling into the clay. Still others play an instrument or do silly dances to favorite oldies.
You, my friend, use the power of words to let out what is caught inside to clear the mind and soul. That is a gift and a form of therapy that not everyone can access. Cherish yourself through your writing.
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I get those sudden things that snap me out of my “funky feelings” too. Weekends seem to be more of a struggle for me. I don’t know why? But, as you say, after finishing a couple of posts and realizing how good I really have it. I snap out of it. Just telling others how I sometimes struggle is therapeutic.
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