My Aspie traits like things orderly. I NEED to have all my ducks lined up before I can proceed with many things. The trouble is that my brain, especially now, just doesn’t want to accommodate that idea. Maybe it is the trauma that I have faced for the last three months, maybe it is because my life is turned upside down now. I am on my own for the first time in 36 years, and that is kinda scary to me.
I don’t have anyone to bounce ideas off of now, so I end up talking to myself, sometimes for hours at a time. My brain just won’t cooperate when I tell it that this is Tuesday, so my post is supposed to be about deaf/Aspie/LOM things. It says “Wait a minute, I’m not done with what I am currently working on!”
I’m still in a whirlwind of things that have to happen when you lose a spouse. Lawyers to see, addresses to change, routines to be re-established in accordance with the new circumstances. Things are not the same now, and I don’t know if they ever will be again. Maybe this hectic world is my new norm?
While I used to go through several days at a time without seeing another person besides my wife, I now see scores of others on a daily basis. I know my Aspie traits are making socializing a very difficult thing for me, and of course, my deafness doesn’t help either, so most of these interactions are just a friendly “hello” and that’s about it.
But, things are starting to calm down. It has been about three weeks since the passing of the only love of my life. I visited her grave yesterday, just to say hello and to talk to her for a little while. I know she is not there now, her soul is in another places of which I am uncertain. But, since that place was the last time I physically was with her, talking at her grave site is somehow calming. I never thought I would be that type of person. You see spouses going to graveyards on TV and movies, but I kinda thought that was pretty hooky.
Near the end, when I told her I didn’t know if I could cope with life in the hearing world without her, she gave me two pieces of fundamental knowledge. One was to “Chill Out”, don’t get worked up about things that I have no control over. The other was to “Be patient”, things will never go as fast or as well as I want, just sit back and take a breath now and then. I try my best to remember that advice many times during each day.
I want to finish the post up the way I started it. Yeah, I have a weekly schedule now of what I want to blog about here one RJsCorner, but I won’t treat that schedule as “gospel”. If my mind wants to go in a different direction, then I will go with the flow. This is one of those days. This post was supposed to be about “Life On The Margins” but my brain had different ideas, and it let me know that it is the boss, so forget the plan. And that’s just what I did… My ducks are not in line, but that is just the way it is.