Having A Sense Of Control…

I’ve been pretty depressed lately. I don’t know if it is the holidays or maybe still the after effects of my wife dying five months ago. Part of it is I have a sense of losing control. Perhaps it is SAD (Seasonal Adjustment Disorder) that often happens to me this time of year? But, I think mainly it is that I am struggling to fit into both the hearing and neurotypical worlds with my virtual mask off. I have worn a mask so long, and sometimes I just don’t think that finally taking it off is going to work. This is a new challenge that I have not faced before.

This is the first time in my life that I have tried to be true to myself. Shedding that lifelong mask and trying to fit in is exciting, frustrating, and somewhat horrifying, all at the same time. I just don’t know how people will react when they see the ‘real’ me? I feel like things might go out of control!

I am a person who insists on being in control of almost everything in my life. Maybe that is because when I am in control, I don’t have to try to lipread so much, as I usually end up doing most of the talking.😎 But I think it goes beyond that?

I have all kinds of stuff that helps being in control happen. I have endless spreadsheets, lists, and calendars that I use to track daily activity, to be sure that everything is done according to my plan. My Evernote app is filled with ideas for future posts here on RJsCorner. I have lists of lists, bullet points galore, and notes piled high on things I want, or maybe need to do. When a task is too big I break it down into smaller things. These characteristics allowed me to excel in the software apps development world. I accomplished more than anyone else using these organizational techniques.

When I left the corporate world, I thought I would leave those sorts of control things there, but they followed me into my new world and even intensified. With the help of all this advanced technology, I now have tools that make my corporate world ones seem childishly simple.

Being out of control is a serious thing to me. It makes me feel like the world is spinning around me and I can’t do anything about it. I typically wake up at 4am most mornings now and toss and turn for two hours thinking about a mishmash of things to add to my lists. That makes good fodder for posts but is frustrating to not be able to go back to sleep. 😎

From experience, I know having a sense of control is likely the only way I will recover from this period of depression. I can’t wait for it to happen.

2 thoughts on “Having A Sense Of Control…

  1. I share your concern with being out of control, so much so that I once tried to convince my reconstructive surgeon to perform a surgery with local anesthetic so I wouldn’t have to be put under once again, having had so many surgeries after breast cancer and reconstruction. I didn’t want to control the surgery: I just wanted to know what was happening. I can’t understand anyone wanting to take a drug that makes them loopy for fun, as losing control is the last thing I want.


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