Before I explain the title of this post, I must fill you in with a story (of course I do).

I struggled most of my early to mid-adult life trying to figure out how to fit in, especially when it came to dating. I grew up in a household with no females. I blamed that on my difficulty relating to the opposite sex. I struggled with dating throughout that period, and for the most part, dating was disastrous. Then, when I was 39 years old, I decided to just forget about dating, and resolve to live the rest of my life as a bachelor. Just me and my dog. That decision took all the apprehension and anxiety away. Suddenly, everything was finally in-tune and I found peace and tranquility.

Less than a year later, someone asked me out on a date and my life would do yet another flip-flop, but a good one. That first date lasted until 2am, as we just couldn’t stop talking. I think that the reason that first date felt so comfortable is that I just didn’t have any expectations of anything meaningful happening. The pressure was off. It would be a short five months later that I was saying “I do” to that person.

Now on to the story at hand.

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Until a couple of months ago, I struggled for over two years trying to fit in with the social scene here at my RetCom (retirement community). For the most part, everything I tried to do ended up being a futile exercise. Even the day-to day interactions were stressful. So many of the residents were seemingly put off by the side effects of my deafness and autism. Because of my deafness, I spoke too loudly for them and constantly got glares from those around me. Because of my Autism, I didn’t know how to act in most social situations. People were just put off, and that drove my always present depression to some pretty severe levels.

Then on the second anniversary of my joining my RetCom, I decided to just quit trying to part of the social scene here. Now, I spend most of my time by myself in my apartment. I decided to get serious about my “Ambitions Turned Inward” project in becoming more artsy.

These last two months have been the most peaceful of my time here at my RetCom. I still do a friendly wave and a quick hello to everyone I pass during the day, but clubs and all the various social events are mostly unattended. Since my expectations are minimal now, my anxiety is mostly a part of the past. I am living, once again, via one of my mottos:

Lonely is being alone and not wanting to be.

I am alone and at peace with myself, once again. But in the back of my mind, I still dream of having another “aha” moment like I did 37 years ago when someone asked me out on a date.