I came across an interesting article the other day from a palliative care nurse about people’s thoughts in their last three, or so, weeks of life. Here is her list of the top five:

1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
2. I wish I didn’t work so hard.
3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.
4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.
   

I think, or at least I hope, I have more than three weeks left, but I want to tell you what my feelings are about these five topics.

1 – Courage to be myself

I didn’t realize that I have a choice of just being my true self. In fact, I didn’t know who my true-self even was. I knew that I was different from those around me, but I just never figured out why. When I discovered about ten years ago that I have significant Aspergers traits, I finally got a glimpse of who I am, and in fact, discovered I was masking my true self to fit other’s expectations. Maybe, to the regret of those around me now, I am letting my true self brightly shine now.

2 – Hadn’t worked so hard

This one would never be a regret in life for me. I was a bachelor with little social skills, so work was about all I had. When I got married at the age of forty, I, like my wife, was mostly cemented in place, and work was a big part of that. We had no children, and after the first few years, both of us often went our separate ways. I got a lot of pleasure from the work part of my life, especially the last half of it, so don’t regret that I spent the time needed to do it right.

3 – Expressing my feelings

This is one that is mostly foreign to me. I have always expressed my feeling. Since I lacked the “proper” social skills, I usually just said what I was thinking. Many times that seemed to be something “inappropriate”.

4 – Stayed in touch

Yeah, I do regret that I didn’t stay in touch with those I considered close friends. Two of my closest friends and I shared an apartment together in late 1970s. One, I have stayed in loose contact with, the other I unfortunately haven’t. I was best man at his wedding as he was at mine.

5 – Let myself by happier

I am a habitual over-thinker. I have to consider all the possibilities, even the most gruesome ones. In that regard, I have often fixated on the worst, instead of the happiest. I am seriously trying to change that, and think I am doing a pretty good job of that.

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Closing this out, I think I am doing pretty good at resolving these things, except maybe for #4. So, my “IF ONLY…” list is mostly non-existent.