This is Part 3 of 10 of My Venture Into Asperger’s.
As usual I will start out with a personal story and then show how that links into my study of this syndrome.
My father was a very stoic man who simply never showed much emotion. He was much like his father in that regard. I don’t know why that was, I just accepted that that is who he was. In my later years I came to fully understand that he loves me and he even told me so a few years before he died at 78 years of age.
My mother was a narcissist who had little room for love of other people. Since she abandoned us fairly early in my life so she just didn’t have much of an affect on the person I would become.
I admit that I am very “Spock like” in my approach to the world. I always seek a rational understanding of my surroundings. Logic drives my life and I simply can’t understand how others can sometimes be so illogical. I, for instance, can’t understand why anyone who has ANY exposure to Mr. Trump would think he belongs in the Oval Office. There is simply no logical way to rationalize that vision. It has to come from someplace I don’t recognize.
On many occasions when I get into a “discussion” with my wife I try to use logic to state my case and it never seems to have an affect on her. She simply believe what she believes, logic has nothing to do with it. When logic fails I simply don’t know where to go from there.
Continuing this thought, I don’t think I really understand the concept of love, that is as most others seem to recognize it. Speaking from the heart I’m not sure if I have ever really felt it. I love my wife in the fact that I am committed to her via our wedding vows. Even though we are opposites in many regards I value her as an important part of my life and do almost everything I can to make her happy. But she still often questions wether I really love her. I say “I love you in my own way.” But that just doesn’t seem to satisfy her..
How does this sync with Asperger’s? As usual we will go to Tony Atwood’s book:
A recent survey of women who have a partner with Asperger’s syndrome included the question ‘Does your partner love you?’ and 50 per cent replied, ‘I don’t know’ (Jacobs 2006). What was missing in the relationship were daily words and gestures of affection, tangible expressions of love. People with Asperger’s syndrome have difficulties with the communication of emotions, and this includes love (see Chapter 6). When a partner said to her husband with Asperger’s syndrome, ‘You never show you care,’ he replied, ‘Well, I fixed the fence, didn’t I?’ The person with Asperger’s syndrome may express his or her love in more practical terms; or, to change a quotation from Star Trek (Spock, examining an extra-terrestrial: ‘It’s life, Jim, but not as we know it’) in Asperger’s syndrome, it is love, but not as we know it.
Attwood, Tony (2006-09-28). The Complete Guide to Asperger’s Syndrome (p. 307). Jessica Kingsley Publishers. Kindle Edition.
Are my expressions of effection a part of Asperger’s? I am beginning to believe so…