This post like many, came to me in my daily morning shower. Over the past many years I have come to realize that I am a “morning” person. Most of my creative juices come during the first five or six hours after awakening each day. Before I got out of my shower, I had already formulated the storyline for this post. I usually try to limit my posts to one or two, basic points. This one cover more than that, but it just seems inappropriate to strip them apart.
I read the full text in the graphic here with new meaning lately. It’s coming up to a year now that my wife passed, and I come to appreciate what she did for me more and more now that she is no longer with me. I often wonder what I would have been after I went deaf if she weren’t around. I think I am getting a taste of that now. We might not have been perfect mates, and maybe got married too quickly, but we were good for each other in ways that I am just finally beginning to appreciate.
She was set in her ways to almost a desperate sense. Her comfort zone, which I later discovered was driven by anxiety often almost strangled her. I helped her discover that doing new things could be exciting, not threatening.
She didn’t seem to care that I was clumsy, at least according to social norms. She saw something in me that none of my previous female acquaintances, as few as they were, ever discovered.
We were married two years before I became profoundly deaf. She did not let me withdraw into myself, as I most likely would have done. Through the next 30+ years she always tried to keep me involved, by signing all the conversations that were going on around us. If it wasn’t for that, I don’t know what kind of person I would be today, but I am again getting a sense of that now.
I am trying to fit into my new life at my retirement community, but it is proving to be more difficult than I imagined. One thing that hinders my success is the cliquish mode that most here exhibit. To give you an example, our dinner hour is between 4:30 – 6:30pm and most of the tables are already occupied by 4:15 with the same groups of people. They tend to stay at the table until 6:15 socializing. I can remember less than a handful of times that I was ever invited to a table, even if I wanted to join them.
We had the monthly social hour in the common area yesterday with wine and snacks. I tried to find a table that would invite me to join, but none came. I know from experiences that when I force myself onto a group, it almost always shuts down the conversation they were having. They seem as uncomfortable having me there as I am in joining them.
In closing out this slightly longer than usual post, I am almost to the point of giving up trying to find anything more than “wave to” friends here. I just can’t seem to do that without my wife’s assistance. These facts just piles onto my always present depression. I gotta get out of this mood somehow, and I am hoping my soon to come roadtrip and a visit with my estranged big brother will help with that.